NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
You Might Also Like
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY