Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
You Might Also Like
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.