[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Meow
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Noah was an idiot.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!