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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Its a hippotatomus
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.