Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.