*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.