IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Last-minute gift idea!
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather