“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.