Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
How all things should be taught/explained.
Selfie
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Hmmmmm
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking