My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it