A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
You Might Also Like
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way