I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
You Might Also Like
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?