As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them