Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Breaking news:
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”