Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
You Might Also Like
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.