[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training