How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑