sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
You Might Also Like
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.