Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
#TopTip
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.