Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said āI love you so much daddyā then punched me in the face.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Thereās always that one guy
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Thereās no āiā in gaslight.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
IāM TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My safe word is Worcestershire
the circle does fit the square if itās a pizza.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, Iāll marry you
MUM š³
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Of all the things to lose why couldnāt it have been my appetite and not my mind
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
āFour Weddings and a Funeralā is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Whatās that? Thereās a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Iām a GROWN MAN. Iām on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I canāt dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears Iāve missed 738 birthdays because I havenāt been on for over 2 years š³
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
We need more people like this.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isnāt it called peter parkour