CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
titanic
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.