Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”