There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
same vibe as tangled headphones
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.