Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My god she’s good.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot