My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I feel it