PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”