Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
That 👊
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?