You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*