Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.