[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701