I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”