The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.