Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend