“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
You Might Also Like
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”