Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
You Might Also Like
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My kitchen overserved me.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”