Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours