Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories