If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man