I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
i’m sure it’s fine
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Left at a local drug store…
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.