Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.