“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.