WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Yes my dude
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.