The pen is writier than the sword.
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
synchronized noseblowing
Denise please return my vape pen
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.