The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
who will stop them
The real reason evolution started..😂
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Are we there yet?…
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.