I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
You Might Also Like
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey