Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
You Might Also Like
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.