“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.