Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me