the icebreaker
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.