The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.